Tag Archives: About Me

Self doubt runs rampant…

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So, lately I have been having some serious self doubts about myself and my abilities. All my abilities…as a parent, grandparent, partner, writer, artist…

 

It started in November. It just started as a small inkling behind the eyes…a small thought here and there. A doubt in judgement here and there, and it just escalated.

 

Then I was sitting here the night before last working on something and I thought…should I continue to even try? My book is far from being as perfect as I want it. My writing doesn’t feel as smooth anymore. I have lost many followers and readers.

 

Should I keep my Zoe Ambler persona, all the time and work. Should I just let it go? Should I refocus elsewhere?

 

I am feeling very inadequate of late. Its a nagging feeling that is bringing me down more and more. I can attribute some of it to the holiday season. I always get a little depressed this time of year, no matter how well things are going.

 

However, I dont seem very productive. Mind you, we are all busy this time of year. This is a big book time. Here I am with the promise of a new book, yet not producing the final product.

 

I have family things going on that I was not prepared for.

 

I just have to question myself on why I keep up with things when I seem to be failing and falling behind. Am I disappointing anyone? The answer to that may leave me in tears.

 

I had a dream. I have talent. I am squandering it, I know. I am just not finding it within myself to chase these things. I feel so very let down.

 

Perhaps after the holidays I will feel better…if not, some hard decisions will have to be made.

 

Take care, my sweets~

 

 

 

 


November 2016 Day 3

No NaNo word count at this time. I am actually in a Write In session as this is being typed up. Not everyone has arrived, so I thought I’d take this time to do my BlogHer prompt.

Todays Prompt:

Nov. 3: If you could be completely honest with no regrets, what would you say and to whom?

 

I would have to say my mother. Back when I was very very young, someone did something very terrible to me. Someone too close that did something very vile. I never said anything. To anyone. In this, I developed many mental disorders that I hid and tried to cope with as best I could, even resorting to self-mutilation, which I still tend to do to this day.

I should have told me mother. In not telling my mother, and all these …things…started coming out of me and my cracked and fractured mind and soul, my mother though she did something wrong in raising me. She took it as a failure on her part.

It wasn’t until my late teens that I tried to commit suicide and wound up in a hospital for a month. I went to a shrink, and HE blamed my mother, despite the fact I never told him this vile thing that happened to me.

So, all these years, she carried this burden that she had damaged me somehow. It wasn’t until I was in my late 30’s that I finally had a total and complete nervous breakdown and actually started getting real psychiatric help. To this day, I’ve not confided in my mother the vile thing. But now she knows it wasn’t her fault. Some of it was just me. I was born this way. Schizophrenic, major bi-polar, major depression with psychotic episodes and anxieties of all kinds. I even suffered through agoraphobia for a few years. It took a long time to learn to leave the house to a ‘safety zone’…and then expand that zone into more public places. I still don’t go grocery shopping at Walmart unless its 2am.

If I could tell my mother the terrible vile thing I would. But I feel like it would do even more damage to her than good. She’s old, frail, and so far away from me (She and my dad live in Guatemala as missionaries) I just couldn’t do any more harm to her than I feel I already have.

We all have regrets in life. I have more than just this. I regret how I treated my ex-husband when we first divorced. However, this is something that I actually have rectified. I apologized. When he needed someone, I was there. And when I fell apart, he was there. We are the best of friends now. I don’t know what I would do without him. Of course, yanno, still wanna kill him on occasion, but, guys will be guys. 😀


Little love – Fat Cat spoke to me.

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So, something unexpected happened the day before yesterday.

 

As you can see from the pictures, I have a new kitteh in my life. I believe with all my heart my late Fat Cat guided all this.

 

I took Jeffrey to the vet to be …well…snipped. Nothing unusual happened. Dropped the grandbaby off to get snipped, went home, wrote for my NaNoWriMo word count…

 

Later in the day I am called by the vet to picked the poor de-nutted Jeffrey back up to bring home. I go…as I am waiting for them to fetch him from the back, I noticed a HUGE cage in the receptionists office. And then a little tiny movement.

 

Well, me being so nosy asked what was in such a big cage. Honestly, I thought it was a ferret squiggling around in the blankets.

 

The staff at the vets office know me too well. TOO WELL. The two girls smiled. They looked at the silver pendant I wear around my neck that has Fat Cats ashes in it. They say… “Now, Miss Zoe, we know you are still grieving, but hold her, give her a hold.” They proceed to produce the little orange angel you see above.

 

My lip quivered. I held her. The first thing she did was lick my lips and start purring, curling into my hold. Then she started playing with Fat Cats pendant.

 

The girls told me that earlier that day, a woman had come in with a box of kittens, five of them, acting like she was there to get them a check up. It was the busiest part of the day for the office. Before they knew it, the woman was gone, but the box of kittens was just sitting in the waiting room unattended. She had never given them any information on herself. She just left the kittens in all the commotion of the lunchtime hour.

 

The kittens were all checked and stuff, making sure they didnt have any contangions or illnesses. Most of the staff adopted the kittens straight off.

 

Two hours passed between the last kitten being taken and me showing up to pick up Jeffrey. No one else had taken an interest because she seemed ‘too plain’ in appearance, though she is SO playful and friendly.

 

Then Fat Cats doctor came out. He placed his hand on my shoulder and told me ‘its not too soon, you know.’. I lost it. I cried. The girls behind the counter cried. The doctor cried.

 

Jeffrey hissed and growled. But, some of that was pain, I do believe.

 

So, here I am with a new kitten.

 

I present you all with BaxterMarie. She exhibits so many of ChesterAnns (Fat Cat) attributes. The way she likes to cuddle in my arms. They way she kicks me off my own chair. The way she lets me know what she wants or needs.

 

Since bringing her home, she has chosen a favorite toy. Its a little fuzzy/glittery purple ball. She is fiercely protective of it to the point that when she plays with it, she growls the entire time and never bats it too far from herself. When she pounces it, she holds it protectively for a moment before playing again.

 

Jeffrey is warming up to her. They play chase, sometimes he gets a little too rough. And, because he has to show his dominance, he steals her ball and plays with it. Keep in mind, he has NEVER shown an interest in this ball ever before. He has his own favorite toys which he has hidden from her.

 

So, I have a new baby.

 

I am happy with my little love.

 

 


The NaNoWriMo Tag Questionaire

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This tag was created by Kristina Horner on youtube then found on Tamaraniac’s Blog and then I found it on AnetteReads and I then yoinked it for myself. HAR!

1. How many times have you done NaNoWriMo?

This is only my second year doing NaNoWriMo officially.

2. How did you first find out about NaNoWriMo?

About 4 years ago a role-play gaming friend of mine told me about it. He wanted to do a joint venture for a story. So we wrote a story together in role-play style, keeping track of daily word counts between us.

3. What was the name of the first novel you attempted with NaNo?

The Road of Darkness.

4. Give us a 1 sentence summary of what you’re writing this year.

Addison undergoes changes in her life and is faced with dealing with the newfound emotions of it all and more importantly, the feeling of ‘regret’.

5. What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever been given?

Don’t give up. Write every day. Even if it’s just a short summary of the day’s events in a journal or notebook. Inspiration can be found when looking back through things.

6. Did you ever take a year off from NaNo? Why?

Not so far.

7. What’s your biggest inspiration when figuring out what to write?

Definitely music. Motion Picture Scores and orchestra pieces. Emotional music that I can arrange into a playlist. One very few occasions an image can spark an idea.

8. Read us the first sentence from one of your novels.

From a yet to be published work.
‘Gabrielle round the corner, coming to the intersection the accident had just taken place.’

9. Why do you love writing?

Writing allows me to do many things that calm me. My journals and blogs let me express personal things; annoyances, attractions, feelings.
My role play writing lets me work with others to build stories, and since I am only writing my own character bits, it’s exciting to see how the other writers in the thread will twist the story, allowing me to delve even more into the creative freedoms.
My novel writing allows me to take my own little creation of a character or characters on a journey, whether it’s a physical or emotion one, or both.

Doing NaNoWriMo this year? In the past? Play along and answer the questions to give others some insight!


A few days away

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Hello my darlings!

Well, much excitement is ahead for the wonderful world of Zoe.

And, well, that is why I must tell you that I will be absent from the web for a bit.

You see, my older sister is getting married and is arriving here tomorrow for the remainder of the week and weekend. We have less than a month to get her wedding organized, and she and I are the only family we have living here state-side. Sadly, my folks and little sister and her family, and my little brother and his huge family, wont be able to come to the States for the wedding, so I want to make sure my big sis has my full attention.

Now, along with making plans and whatnot, there will be shenanagans to be had. We are terrible when together. Mass quantities of coffee are consumed throughout the day, then some damn fool says “Hey, we need alcohol.” ~looks guilty~

I will morn her passing as a single woman, and drink many libations in this sorrow.

Did I mention she is having an outdoor wedding, on the beach? Can we say nightmare waiting to be had? She and her fiance have a boat, but a friend is ferrying the rest of the guests to the island on his pontoone boat. We have to go find suibable decorations for that thing without making it look gaudy.

And my sister is a teeny wisp of a thing. We have to get her dress altered.

She wants me to put subtle highlights in her hair. Thats a snap. I’ve been doing that for her since we were teens.

There are so many things. Oh, and after the wedding, she is flying down to Guatemala to see the folks and little sister, so we have to purchase items for my momma that they cant get down there.

My family living in a progressing country is strange. They cant get hold of items we take for granted every day at the local supermarket. I had to purchase like six small cans of simple pumpkin pie spice for making homemade pumpkin pie, and packets of instant white gravy mix. Certain kinds of soap. Spices that arent available there. Toiletries that cant be found there at all.

So, after the wedding my sister will take all my moms needed things to her and they will get a post wedding visit.

My moms is planning a trip here in 2017, with luck.

But, back on topic…I will be disappearing for a bit, to help my sister in her joyous ~mourns~ day. >_>

Thank the stars I’m so awesome. I dont think anyone else could tolerate me but me.

See you soon darlings!


Adulting

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Yes, today was a success. I adulted perfectly, even after having a few beers to loosen me up.

The dinner was great. A restaurant I have never been to, but then, from what I hear its only been open a month or so. I was surprised it wasnt more crowded, but then again, here in the South the big Sunday dinner cooked by Momma’s and NaNa’s still reigns supreme.

The restaurant was like any other steak house these days. Peanuts that you just shell and chuck on the floor, big flat screen TVs set up everywhere playing all the sports.

The food was beyond my expectations however. I had beef tips, medium rare, with mushrooms and onion in gravy with seasoned rice and buttered corn. I also tossed in a few gator jalapeno bites with that. Sassy.

The Corona Extra was nice and cold, my limes fat and my salt…well…salty.

My dinner company was great and we all had a good time.

I since I looked like a girl today, I snapped some pictures of myself…I need to update my pages on here, since Zoe is no longer the lovely Purple Tressed Zombie Goddess that I once was.

My niece, by the way, told me I now look like Cruella Deville.

~sighs~

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I LOOK HORRIBLE WITH SHORT HAIR!!! ~wails and snots everywhere.~

Well, tonight is a shorty, because I have to actually go to bed with the help of some Ambien. I get my lift kit put opn my truck tomorrow. ~grins with glee~

See you later, my darlings!

zoeshorthair

PS: Which pic should I use on my static pages??


Being social

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So I’ve had an old friend get in touch and want to meet up for dinner.

~blank stares~

Okay, its fine, really. I’ve known this person for like, 20 years. Every year, just once, if at all, we get together, have dinner, and that’s the end of it for another year or so.

It doesn’t make it any less awkward.

I must make sure I never wear white, for I will drop a big greasy brightly colored piece of food on myself. I must watch how much I drink if alcohol is involved.

I must act like a people.

I must adult.

I must shove the true weirdo deep within it cage and feed it quirky puns all evening.

Its one thing to go to the coffee shop and speak with other regulars…our conversations last maybe 15 minutes, tops.

Oh, and I have to be ‘pretty’ tonight. Since I got all my hair cut off, that is going to be a challenge. I am going to dress nice, as opposed to one of my weird meme type t shirts and shorts and shoes with neon colored laces. I am currently debated on a dress or pants with boots. I hate both options, but personing is hard, and tough decisions must be made.

Oh, and this person is a male. A guy. A dude. Known him forever, doesn’t make me any less Super Awkward Girl.

I am still weighing those option on what to wear…if I wear a dress or skirt, there is that constant reminder to ‘sit like  a lady’. Grah.

And while I may look like a smexy bitch with make-up on, I feel like a painted whore. I hate the stuff.

Then there is the whole social etiquette things. ~nearly screams~

Hopefully things go smooth and my next post isn’t a story telling you all what a ginormous arse I’ve made of myself.

See you later, darlings.


Not a clue…

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I honestly havent a clue as to what to entertain you all with tonight. From my stats, none too many have been reading and enjoying the blog. I AM FAILING!!!

And I am drawing a blank tonight.

The movie reviews didnt seem to garner much care by readers. I’ll still do them on occasion.

In truth, I have found myself immersed in a John Cusack movie marathon because the man makes me happy in my pants.

I could talk about NaNoWriMo, but I think you all are sick of me begging for donations.

I did accomplish something today. I left the house. I mean, physically got in my truck and went out. I took my daughter on a few errands. I only had one thing to do, and that was cure my hankering for a Hammerhead at Dakotas Coffee Works. So, I just said I’d tote my daughters butt wherever she needed to go.

We had fun. We talked and stuff. Mostly about nerdy geeky things, because we are both nerdy geeky girls. My daughter is a hardcore gamer. Not just computer and console games, I’m talking Magic The Gathering and stuff. That is something funny…taking her to the gaming shop. Man, do the nerd boys drool over her. They forget how to speak. Some test her knowledge, just to see if she is one of those superficial poser girls…she blows the away. Then they get all drooly and slobbery and sweaty.

I talked to my mommy today on Skype. I miss her. It will be another year and a half before I see her again.

My older sister is coming to stay next weekend to go over finalizing wedding details. We have to take her dress in to be altered because no one makes dresses for people as small as her…lol.

I told my good friend Patricia that I was going to make a blog post about the weather. So, to not be a fibber, I will just say we are having some very un-Lower Alabama weather this weekend. Its really cool, and surprisingly not humid. Its supposed to last all weekend. Then it will be back to our regularly scheduled hell until November.

I may not be posting next weekend. I hate that, I was going for a streak, even if its just me rambling like this. But then again, when me and my older sister get together, hilarity seems to ensue rather quickly. Doubly so if we decide to include alcohol in on the deal. Or harrassing her fiance.

Well, ramble ramble. I am totally boring this month.

I need a life.

Can I borrow yours?


Discontent

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So, I tried writing up that ending to a smut piece yesterday. Not happy with it. It will be on hold.

I am dicontent with many things at the moment. It happens. Sometimes things are moving along so nicely, then BAM! I’m all out of happy.

I have a fancy new TV I use as a monitor… I have decided I dont like it. I either want my original one back, or a newer, bigger one. I’ve been looking at newer bigger ones. Nothing goes to waste in this house. My daughter would get this one. Its twice the size of the normal PC monitor she currently has.

I wanted to go to the coffee shop today, but cant. My daughter needed my laptop. I cant say no to her. So, I cant get any work done from the coffee shop.

And at the same time, I dont really want to get that work done.

I guess you could say I feel a whole lot of apathy today.

Weather reports speak of a cold front moving in this weekend, dropping the temperatures a lot and such. This doesnt please me in the least.

In trying to look at the positives around me, my daughter is doing okay in furthering her education, and my sister will be here next week for us to get things finalized for her wedding. Her wedding gives me a few tasks to take care of. Something to pull me out of the Vortex of Doom and peek my head out into the real world again.

My best friend is really sick, but she is half way across the country. And she is traveling. It worries me. I wish she could just stay home and rest. Though, with my warped sense of humor, I asked her if she died if I could have all her stuff. >_>

The month of October will bring more sporradic posts. I’ve been trying to make a post a day. October and November change that. I have NaNoWriMo to think about. I have a book to write. I’ve been working on it here and there. The ending keeps evolving and changing.

Well, I guess I’ve just rambled enough for now.

Be sweet, my darlings.


Serial killers…my obsession

Now, this post is about something that fascinates me. Serial killers.

There are a larger number of females interested and fascinated by serial killers than males. To the point of writing mail, sending pictures, MARRYING them.

I am not THAT into it. But I LOVE reading every minute detail of their crimes, I love the photos and crime scenes. I love to hear their rantings and ravings, if they do that (unless its Charles Manson because he bores me to tears), or the reasons they give that motivated them to their crimes.

Serial killers can and cannot do a lot of things. Laws are in place so they cant profit from anything. That is totally justified in my view.

I dont think the victims families should make too much profit either.

In the documentary listed below, Serial Killer Culture, that ground is covered. It is the MEDIA and the local officials that boost the victims and families into trying to cash in on tragedies.

But, back on point…why are women so interested in these broken people? Granted, in some ways, some serial killers act in ways of pure genius. Its their egos that bring them down.

Personally, my own facination comes from my darkness within. All those sordid little secrets and fantasies. I dont act on them, but I do have the capacity. We’ve discussed my mental illnesses before. I have the ability to turn things off and on like a light switch. If I cant grasp an emotion, or proper response to something, I will fake it.

Oddly enough, I am more touched by cruelty to animals than I am to things like man against man, child abuse and the like. Animals are sacred to me. People are not.

Does this make me sound like a horrible person? I’m not, really. I am friendly, I can be caring. I just dont know how to react sometimes. But oh my god, do not show me someone hurting an animal. Be it a bird, cat, dog or even a mouse. When Fat Cat caught a mouse, she never killed it…she brought it to me. I’d take the little thing outside and set it free. Sure, an owl probably snatched it up as soon as I went back inside, but thats nature. Mother Nature is the only pure and acceptable, and perfect, serial killer.

The world is overpopulated. The governments are greedy and corrupt. There is hatred and loathing and apathy planet wide. People just plain suck in my opinion.

A person can be great. A small group can be fun. In masses they can be idiots.

I can see why some killers do the things they do. I can see their way of looking at things.

There are so many reasons behind every killer, however. Carl Panzram hated humanity. Charles Manson wanted to be, well, God, in a way. Jeffrey Dahmer wanted someone to love him and NEVER leave…but he also wanted them compliant to the point of death. H.H Holmes was a genius, educated and crafty. He wanted to be rich, and enjoyed the act of killing. He managed to do both for a time.

Spree killers are no fun to me. Rampage killers.

Serials killers are different. They are methodical. They rest. They plan. They repeat. However, they get sloppy.

Some of them, such as Ted Bundy, have a charm about them. Its easy to see, by his looks and charm, why women would be fascinated with him, even knowing what he did to all those young girls.

How anyone could fall in love with the likes of Charles Manson is beyond me. I am chalking it up to drugs. It cant be real, and if it is, W.T.F..

So, how many here can say they are fascinated with serial killers. Not just what you read or see on television, but actually buy the books, see the movies, get your grubby little hands on the FBI’s profile of the subject?

There used to be a wonderful site that I’d spend hours on…thecrimelibrary.com. Its gone now, or changed address. If its moved, I’d love to find it again.

Now, on with the film part of this writing.

Director John Borowski has a love of serial killers, and has made it the focal point of most of his films. Biographical documentaries.

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Director John Borowski

Mr. Borowski has made, thus far, 4 documentaries covering serial killers and the culture that loves them.

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H.H.Holmes: America’s First Serial Killer (2004)

Torture chambers, acid vats, greased chutes and gassing rooms were just some of the devices of death designed by the Torture Doctor, H.H. Holmes in his castle of horrors. Follows Holmes’ entire life as a criminal mastermind.

This documentary is factual, however, it was done on a low budget. Its hard to get through. It was Borowski’s first major project, however, so everyone starts somewhere.

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Albert Fish: In Sin He Found Salvation (2007)

 Albert Fish, the horrific true story of elderly cannibal, sadomasochist, and serial killer, who lured children to their deaths in Depression-era New York City. Distorting biblical tales, Albert Fish takes the themes of pain, torture, atonement and suffering literally as he preys on victims to torture and sacrifice. Includes interviews with artist and Odditorium owner, Joe Coleman, and true-crime author, Katherine Ramsland, Ph.D.

This documentary was top notch. Albert Fish was so brutal, an unabashed cannibal and sadist. Borowski brought this biography to the screen brilliantly. Facts, re-entactments, photos. It was wonderful.

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Carl Panzram: The Spirit of Hatred and Vengeance (2012)

The true story of lifelong criminal and serial killer, Carl Panzram who wrote his autobiography for a jail guard in 1928.

Borowski out-does himself once again. They biography is brilliant. The late Mr. Panzram had a hand in that, as in he was one of the first early serial killers who actually wrote his own biography. Some of what he wrote and told is up to speculation on whether or not he was exaggerating. Regardless, this man hated all of humanity.

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Serial Killer Culture (2014)

Serial Killer Culture examines the reasons why artists and collectors are fascinated by serial killers.

This was a great documentary, giving a little light on why people seem so interested in serial killers. The love of them, the fear of them. I believe 13 different artist, collectors and even a tour group cover Millwaki (Jeffrey Dahmer Tours) were featured. It was great to see the artwork serial killers created. It was great to see the artwork ARTISTs created from being interested in the killings and the killers. And the Tour Group…they didnt just give you all the gruesome stories of Jeffrey Dahmer…they give you history on the city itself. The buildings, the life. The whole documentary was very informative and entertaining.

Well, now that you’re all going to keep 10 paces from me and call me creep girl, I’ll let you go look these up on Netflix to give them a watch (Albert Fish is no longer available on the US Netflix)

😀


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