Feeling less than…

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It has not been a good year for me at all. I’ve been trying to smile and trudge on. I laugh, I distract myself from my pains, I try to entertain others.

But sometimes it becomes a crushing weight.

Especially when someone you love intentionally makes you feel lower than they already know you feel.

I was hurt today, deeply. I got angry. Very angry. My feelings for this person have been changing over time, and today seemed like a big impact on that.

This person hurts me all the time, and makes me feel less than. And I allow it, like a fool. I guess its an abusive relationship in some way. I’m too comfortable in my own misery to leave it.

I am beginning to hate this person. Okay, maybe hate is too strong a word. I dislike this person. And yet, they are the first to tell me its all my fault.

And not just things between us.

Everything.

If anything is ever wrong in my world, this person tells me how its my own fault.

Making me feel less than.

I know when I am wrong and when I am not. And when I am, or realize I am, I apologize for it. I do so sincerely. I dont need what I did rubbed in my face. Salt in an open wound. Someone hurting me further just for the sake of hurting me, knowing I have more than that single issue to deal with or bringing me pain.

I could throw so many thing in this persons face. Their actions, their words. But I dont. I used to, yes, but I realized, why? What is the point? It goes in one ear and out the other. This person is convinced they are never wrong about anything, and that I am at fault in some way.

So, I am settling.

Less than.

Blargh.

Enough meloncholy from me.

I have movies to discuss, returning tomorrow night. I’ve watched some really strange ones. And, totally unknown to me, they tie to Edgar Allan Poe in some way. Totally unintentional. Another weird little instance of Mr Poe creeping in…I just bought an Edgar Allan Poe ‘action figure’ before sitting down with my lovely subscription to Netflix…how weird is that? Mr Poe loves me from the grave at least.

I will try to be more upbeat tomorrow.

Lemme be a sad panda.

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