Its been one week since her passing.
It has been devastating. Lonely. Sad. Miserable.
We lost little man Jeffrey one afternoon… he was sleeping someplace we couldnt find him and he decided we just werent the effort to show himself. Typical cat. So, we got him a collar and put a bell on him. He spend an entire day trying to get it off before admitting defeat.
However, I hear that bell rattling around at night when he is off entertaining himself through the house, and oh, man…it just makes me think ChesterAnn is going to cross into the threshold of the office demanding my time.
I also catch myself calling Jeffrey Chester all the time.
I got the things to put together a shadowbox of ChesterAnns paw prints, lock of hair, favorite toy and a picture. I havent been able to will myself to put it all together.
I havent been able to go through her pictures and frame and hang them either.
I find myself toying with the pendant around my neck with some of her ashes in it. I find myself placing little kisses on it. I even catch myself talking to it.
I constantly look up at her urn. I talk to it, too.
You know, when you are grieving and morning and just stuck in so much pain, there is little anyone can do to make you feel better. I have recieved so many kind words from people, and yet this pain and ache is here, constant, seemingly neverending.
All over a cat.
No, not a cat. She was my best friend and confidant. Who bit me on occasion. But hell, what is a loving bond without biting?
You know, I want to get angry. I do get angry over unrelated things. I am extra moody right now, and snap easily. But I guess in a way I want someone to blame for her death. Oh, I could sit here and blame the vet, but you know, I cant bring myself to do it. Why? This man went above and beyond to try to help her. He, and his staff, REALLY care. I have gotten phone calls from some of the nurses and tech just asking how I am doing. How many can say their vet office staff does that for a client? A lot of things are so impersonal these days.
I gathered a bunch of things for Jeffrey. Things of ChesterAnn that I dont mind the little man having. A shit ton of food for one thing. And cat litter. Chesters old litterbox, since its the kind with a cover and flap. Little man Jeffrey was getting litter EVERYWHERE because he thinks he needs to dig to China. So the litter box was very useful and appreciated by my daughter.
However, Little Man Jeffrey hadnt figured out how to use the littler box like that at first. He got in okay, but when it was time to get out, he wasnt bright enough to push his head through the flap and crawl out. He poked a single tiny paw out and meowed for his momma to come rescue him. When my daughter told me that we laughed. Poor little guy. He understands now.
I also had an old pet carrier. ChesterAnn hated it. Its just a cheap one you can pick up at any pet supply store. Her good one, which I spent $60.00 is being kept with her things. I have put all her clothing into it.
Why do I do this? I feel like a mother that wont get rid of old baby clothes as their child grows up, keeping them as possible hand me downs or keepsakes. But I have no intention of giving these things to another cat. They are Chesters.
Okay, crying again. Lawdy do I hate crying. You know, I am not a big drinker of alcohol. I had some beer with raw oysters earlier in the week. That usually gives me my fix for 3-6 months. But I would love a six pack of Corona Extra, some limes and salt right now. Oh, and its only 9AM…but somewhere in the world it isnt!
Yesterday, to try to distract myself, I watched Couchtuner, getting caught up on all my shows that I’ve missed over the last few weeks. And I watched a good movie on Netflix. I plan on writing a small article on it with a review.
I have placed my gaming characters in ‘time-out’, so I dont have to log in and keep them active. They can stay in time out and I dont have to worry about the inactivity limit for deletion.
Well, I think I need more coffee right now. And some tissues.
~hugs and squishes~