Zoe Shaming…I'm a horrid person!

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Well. I’ve been posting all kinds of stories here on the blog. Let’s call it what it is…avoidance.
I am avoiding the fact that I keep fucking myself over…lol. Mind you, sometimes it’s a good thing.
I’ve ranted and vented before about my Role-play games and their communities. Nothing has changed there. You either sit at the ‘cool kids’ table, or you’re a loser. I fall into the ‘loser’ category.
I mean, one of my closest friends ever doesn’t even come to my defense when anything happens. What does that tell you? OH, yeah, she is queen of the cool kids table, btw. Her ass gets kissed more times a day than … well… I don’t know. It just gets kissed an awful lot. And that’s both In Character and Out of Character.
I get into a little tif with someone, do you think she tries to console me? Defend my point of view?
I post something. Does she compliment? Does she give constructive criticism?
The sad thing is, she KNOWS me. More than anyone else in this world. And she knows my personality type.
I am the type of person that needs validation. Appreciation. High fives and all that. And, it’s one thing to tell me in private, but a whole other to do so in public. In public, especially validating me, appreciating what I’ve put forth, keeps me motivated, makes me feel loved, and makes me feel special.
Blah. Shame on me. Shame on my personality type. Shame on Zoe. Shame on being me.
I know my faults, and I know my flaws. She does, too.
She hurt me in the worst way recently, and it was blatantly obvious, and yet she is either pretending to not know, or maybe is glad to have the break from me.
In the past, I’ve had to totally drop a person that had meant a lot to me because it was the safest and easiest way to deal with the situation. I hate to do that again, especially after so many years. But I’m not giving in. I’m not putting up with this bullshit. If she can’t see what was standing in her face, then, well, I suppose it’s time we part ways.
I’ve decided to stop playing that game. Well, not quit playing, I still move my character on the grid, but I am no longer participating in the community. They can all kiss my ass. I was never liked well, no big deal. Well, not anymore. It WAS a big deal, but then, I was like…why?
One person has stuck with me, surprisingly. We don’t interact in the In Character way, but they are always popping up to speak to me or say hi. We talk about the game from time to time, other than that, it’s all shits and giggles. It’s a shame we couldn’t make something work between our characters. Poop. His character and mine would rock socks.
On the other game, not much has changed there either. The person I was writing with dumped me. I created a new character. At least on this game, there is no Out of Character section on the forum. Most of these game forums have a ‘what are you thinking’ thread. This game doesn’t.
One of the downfalls of these forums is their need for a writing competition. What ruins it is the cliques. The Cool Kids. On either game, they all vote for one another. They all cheer one another along, they all kiss the same asses. And trust me, some of that writing is so cliché and crap.
Blech.
Man, I’m whiney today. And bitchy.
But I think I needed this, because I really don’t have anyone to really unload on anymore. That person said that I ‘never called them’ and that it was always them reaching out to me. UTTER BULLSHIT. Yes, they called me more than I called them…there is a very valid reason for that. Several actually. This person has a family. This person has a job. I don’t want to interrupt anything, I don’t want to call and her still be at work. One of the little irks I had was getting a call from her as she was driving home from work, or to the grocery store. That makes for a what? 15 minute conversation? Then an ‘I’ll call you right back’…which never comes. ON TOP of that, I had to hear about how she talks to so and so at 1, 2, 3 AM or Skypes, or is in the chats.
The bullshit stops. If she can’t see what she’s done, and how she’s screwed herself, well. WELL.

I think I need to live in isolation. Just me, fat cat, awesome internet, books, Netflix, my laptop and PC rig. Oh, and I think I would have to kidnap one of my favorite Barista’s from the coffee shop to make me my Hammerheads. WHAT? I would feed them!!!
I guess I’m tired of feeling like I’ve done something wrong. People can very easily do that to me. But this time, NO. I am in the right here. If she can’t see it, so be it.
Now, on to more pleasant thing. I think tonight I may post up three short stories. Only to make up for the fact that two flash fictions I pour out today don’t even hit the 100 word mark…lol.
Fat cat is happy and fine, other than the slight misery of being so fluffy, shedding, and constantly harking up hairballs. She needs to be shaved so badly. But getting a new truck has to come first. Yeah, I still haven’t settled things with the Insurance Company. They were really low-balling the value of my truck, and I knew I could get a better, higher payoff. They finally agreed, but now there’s red tape and paperwork. Yesterday I had to send out a Power of Attorney to them. Now I have to wait for them to process paperwork before cutting me a check.
What sucks is, it’s going to take up to 15-20 days… I have to turn this rental vehicle in on Tuesday, or keep it and pay out of my own pockets. NOPE. My pockets aren’t deep enough right now.
Camp NaNoWriMo is going good. Thanks to daily writing prompt, most all I’ve shared with you all lately, have me on track with hitting my word count goal by the due date. Yay me.
After participating in NaNoWriMo last November, and then the two Camp NaNo’s this year, I’ve come to see that the big event in November is infinitely more fun. The people are more lively and enthusiastic and helpful. I made friends that still keep in touch. The little Camp NaNos, you are placed in a ‘cabin’ with just a few people. At first everyone is all raring to go, but then it all piffles out into silence. I was the last person to post anything by way of encouragement and pom-pom shaking.
Well, this was cathartic in a way. I got to make your eyes bleed!!! MAWHAHAHAHA…it was all my grand evil design. Make your head explode as I rant, vent and whine like an overgrown child.
Damn, I should have done more foot stomping.
Okay, my lovelies, I am off for a bit, but later on there will be some fresh short stories up!
~Hearts ya’ll~

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0 Responses to Zoe Shaming…I'm a horrid person!

  1. KasimsKorner says:

    Damn that sucks… Will be nice to read the short stories though 🙂

  2. Jahaira says:

    It sounds to me like she is not really a good friend. I had one of those also and after 22 years, I realized that she did not bring nothing positive into my life, she loved to point out MY flaws. I often got anxiety because if I dare said anything to offend her all hell breaks lose, but she is entitled to her opinion. So, I just stopped all communication and it feels sooooo good. Liberating, knowing that u don’t have to deal with people’s crap. I didn’t tell her anything because some things are worth not fighting for and I wasn’t about to get into ww3 with her over my needing only positive ppl in my life.

    • Zoe Ambler says:

      She is a really good friend. A great friend. She doesnt put me down or anything like that. Perhaps I feel she doesnt lift me up. Which is worse? She doesnt give me crap, I tend to do that just fine on my own. I wont drag her name through the mud because she doesnt deserve that, but she did hurt me, and probably doesnt even realize it. We’ve hurt one another a lot in the past. I told her privately that we would probably eventually kiss and make up. I am still entitled to rant and vent as I see fit, from my perspective, however, and as I said, I did no naming and shaming other than of myself. Thank you for your input, and yes, I too was in a situation similar with another friend…it turned toxic, so I ended all communication with them. I would hate to have to do that again. Maybe I just suck at the whole friendship thing? lol

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